Boy, I really got stuck in some dreaming a few times this weekend. It was related to some themes I’ve “believed” about my sisters and our relationship. I’ve had a story for years that a few of them think I’m weird, talk about me and I become the bad guy of the family because I don’t conform or see things the same way they do. I’ve blamed them and many times have felt justified and victimized because they do “do this.” I’ve progressed a lot with forgiving and being free from this but the remnants are still there on occasion. Since I’ve also experienced our oneness, that there is no separation, that these are just stories that don't mean anything, I know this comes up for me to continue practicing forgiveness, waking up from the dream and being that oneness.
There were times when I felt the story was real again. I noticed how compelling it was. I really didn’t want to give it up. I felt justified. I felt “right” and that the one sister in particular that pushed my buttons was “wrong.” I wasn’t willing to forgive or to invite in Holy Spirit. Meanwhile, it hurt and I was aware of the suffering. I felt trapped in it. Perfect example of the insanity of ego.
There was an in-and-out awareness hovering as well. I could see what I was doing but kept doing it anyway. I felt compassion for this human and, with awareness, kept hearing myself say: allow what is. Don’t try to change it or make yourself wrong for this. There is no problem with this. Don’t resist it. And, when I was resisting it, allow that to be OK too.
I went back to some of my past writings and some of what you guys have written. I wasn’t willing to call a friend. I was able to let go of the strong hold. I eventually felt and practiced forgiveness. I could feel lightening and liberations. Sometimes it lasted for hours. But, then, before I knew it, I was back in the grip of the story once again.
To drown some of my sorrow (one story is: I should know better than this after all the “spiritual” and healing work I’ve done and know about), I ended up impulsively going to the store, buying one of my comfort foods (Lays sour cream and onion chips), and binging for a bit in front of the tube. Wow, I haven’t done this for awhile!!! But . . . there it was. And to top that off, I woke up early Sunday morning sick to my stomach followed by eliminating much of the stuff I ate. I was sitting there on the toilet going “I’m so sorry I did this to you,” speaking to my body.
Luckily, I forgave myself once again. I felt compassion and acceptance for the stories I felt caught up in, for the avoidance and escape via eating. It just seems to be the way it is sometimes—even though I know and have the tools to stop it, I won’t practice the clearing but I’ll hold onto a story instead. I’m sure I’m not alone in this insanity. It helps a lot to be honest, write about and expose this.