I would like to start this ramble by first by thanking people for the PM's and support. I'm not trying to ignore you. I'm just at a wierd place right now. So please forgive me. :-)
I'm still feeling surreal. As if this is actually a dream in experience and not just in theory. My mind is swirling and I feel that I don't know anything. Sure I can reach for beliefs and I can share them with you and others, but they really don't seem to hold the same weight that they once did. Ultimately I sense that they don't really matter anyway, though there certainly seems to be a part of me that wants them to still matter.
And paradoxally here I am writing about them. So I suppose that they do matter or maybe it is my mind's way to find something to anchor onto for some kind of stability.
I seem to be in conflict about conflict or maybe the lack of, which is causing conflict? LOL I don't know, I certainly can't describe it very well obviously.
My mind is telling me that "Hey you lost your job. You're trying to go back to school under a state program and it might not go through. Your future is now most uncertain. You better get off this spiritual mumbo jumbo and get back into the real world!
And then there is this quiet still part of me that is simply responding, if it could be said that, or maybe accepting What Is with, " Yes I lost my job...and?..... Yes I might not get the program....and?........" , quietly accepting this without any conflict, any anxiety or any animosity. And in reality this stillness that I am sensing is really not even doing that, I just tried to put it into words. It is actually just there, being what it is.
But that part of my mind that keeps telling me that the way out of conflict is through conflict keeps saying, "You can't accept this! Have you lost your mind?!! Why are you confusing apathy with peace?!! Why are you confusing laziness with stillness?!! Why are you confusing delusions with spirituality?!! As long as you don't accept the conflict of what is happening in your world, I'm going to keep creating the conflict until you finally realize that I am right!!"
On some level though, I seem to be OK with the conflict. Almsot as if that stillness I am sensing is saying, "Yes you're in conflict......and?........" Strange how my mind is grasping for conflict, like an anchor, like a foundation for purpose and that without the conflict it would have no purpose.
Nope right now there seems to be no foundation, no anchor, no "reality", no "truth". Nothing for my mind to really attach itself to. Oh sure, I still have my beliefs, but I am having a hard time throwing them around. It's almost as if a part of me is saying, " Oh I believe that?.......and?........."
And then before writing this ramble I read Phil's blog on love a cruxificion and thought, "Great, just throw that thought into the mixing bowl of confusion that is my mind" LOL.
Honestly I don't think right now I can give a definition of what love is and even if I could, it would simply be my own perception of it, I suppose. But I did have a thought yesterday about Love. It's actually been quite beautiful weather in Seattle that past few days. Mild with blue skies, so yesterday I raked up the leaves in my yard and on the corner since I live on a corner lot. There were quite a few, so I took a break in between. As I was sitting in my front yard taking a break, just sitting quietly and listening to how quiet the world seemed. I felt really peaceful and it reminded me of a conversation I recently had on a quit smoking board. Someone asked if they believed if silence made a sound. And I responded with a spliced together paraphrased phrase out of ACIM as this:
"As a matter of fact I do. I call it stillness, but it is the same. It is encompasses everything. It is within the silence that everything is. It holds everything. It is the sound of Peace. It is quite vast and quite silent yet surpisingly powerful and audible.
You could say this about silence/stillness. God comes into the quiet mind. Be still if but just for an instant and within this Holy Instant will Stillness Speak. You could say the sound of silence is The Peace of God."
As I recalled that conversationI had this sense that love was not simply within me, but that I was encompassed in Love. And though it didn't last very long. Within that time, I felt with a knowing that Love does not do anything. It simply IS and when we become aware of it. We can then bask in our comforter.
What I experienced yesterday. What I believe was an experience of True Love (but disclaimer, maybe it wasn't) was that there was no way that Love could be special. That love could only give to some while withholding from others. That Love could be harnessed or owned. For it would be impossible to harness or own what I am and What Is. The abstract All Encompassing.
It's moments like that, when underneath the specific constant noise of chaos that I continually hear in this world. When I stop and just listen to the stillness that seems to be underneath the noise. The more I become aware of that silence. That stillness. The quiteness that holds the noise. I realize just how small that noise is, when surrounding it, is The Peace of God.
Love gives everything and to everyone. For Love is everything and everyone.
The ego still decieves me, because sometimes I still let it do that. I suppose my little defense against Love.
Maybe those people that truly konw that they are love. Not intellectuallyor psychological. Not because a book said it in chapter such and such or lesson something or other. But know it truly on the deepest level and embrace it fully. And in this, they don't see themselves as being cruxified or being unfairly treated, because they know within themsleves truly that everything is either Love or a call for Love. They see the fear in "the other person" but not within themselves. As a healed mind, the body's eyes will still see illusions, but the mind will no longer invest in them.
Can we really extend Love, what we are, what encompasses us? I don't know, but of course since my head is swimming I don't know much of anything. Maybe (and this is just a thought) that we can extend Love metaphorically, for Love Is. Maybe what we do when we truly become aware of Love's presense is that we extend the effects of Love, since we are in a perceptual world. Maybe what we extend is True compassion, True Empathy,True Acceptance, True Joining that is as complete as the Loves that envelops us and IS us, which helps to remove the blocks to the awarness of Love's presense. so that the "other person" can then experience the All Encompassing Love and extend It's effects.
Of course I could just be wrong LOL. OK enough rambling. My head is swirling.