As I sit here and observe these insane thoughts, I see how compelling they are. There’s a habitual tendency to make them real. This ego “I” wants to make the errors of others real. In turn, the errors of myself seem real and seem to be such a dilemma.
With Holy Spirit witnessing these dynamics, I feel divine mercy for the human frailties. HS knows that this is all a dream. These are illusions. None of this is real. This holiness of What I really am has patience, has compassion and understanding for the ways “I” get caught up in the illusions of human ego.
Oh, and there it is again, “my” voice that sometimes whips me and punishes me for not being pure enough, for not being love and light, for not being conscious every hour, for my lack of progress and that I should be way further ahead by now.
One Self loves the whole self perhaps because by its very nature, there is a knowing that all there is is the whole Self. It dissolves separation that is perceived in all these illusions and seeming parts of a whole. It has patience and compassion for my inability to forgive at times, when I feel I want to be right or when I’m holding onto something I don’t feel ready yet to let go of. And in the times when self-hatred is stronger and the purity to forgive and love doesn’t seem accessible, that’s OK too.
HS is there unconditionally and eternally. Nothing I do or don’t do is deemed as warranting rejection. HS never abandons me. “I,” ego, often reject or abandon but not the other way around. It’s only in the me that I perceive as separate, as ego and personality, that feels rejected or that actually rejects others and HS. It’s Self-rejection, really . . . rejecting What we really are, True Identity.
Yet, again, there’s compassion. This is what humans do, what ego beliefs motivate us to do. It’s not bad or wrong. As humans, we think anxiety is real. We feel cursed by it. We feel we have no choice when it’s there but to just be in turmoil with it. But HS sits here with us even in our mental turmoil and whispers, “This isn’t real. There is an alternative. You don’t have to believe these thoughts. Even though they feel so compelling, surrender them to Me.”
I notice how people will agree with me about what I believe. They’ll agree with some of my stories and support me in my projections of what he/she did, shouldn’t have done, etc. This gives it a false sense of support or reality—just notice how this happens. Notice how “I” get engaged in that dance. And if I notice beating myself up or making myself wrong for any of it, can I observe that with acceptance and loving-kindness? Just see it impersonally, if I can muster up the willingness, through the heart of HS, as Awareness.