Today I am on my 2nd day of lesson 185: I want the Peace of God.
Yesterday, as I was doing my lesson the day seemed to start off on a good note. I was feeling calm and peaceful as I continued to remind myself that I wanted the peace of God. Thinking that I was actually meaning it as I occasionally meditated on this thought throughout the day.
Later on in the afternoon though, a very strong memory/thought came into my mind. I all of a sudden remembered someone that I haven't thought about in years. It is someone that when I was younger, I had a deep seated hate for.
As I thought about them. The same old hatred came up inside me and I thought, “I wonder if that person is still alive?” Secretly thinking also that I wouldn't have shed a tear if they were not.
I don't know what came over me, but I googled them and found that they had a myspace account. There he was smiling on his homepage with the same immature comments that I remember him saying when I was 13 and 14. I have to be honest and say that when I saw that he was still around, that a disappointment came over me. “Damnit, this waste of space is still here and they have four kids out of wedlock? Great, stupid breeding stupid and the cycle continues.” I know that a “good person” wouldn't have these kind of thoughts, but I am just being honest about this.
Well, that seemed to settle it. My want for the Peace of God seemed to go right out the window and in its place vengeance came. All of a sudden, that is what I seemed to have wanted.
I tried to look upon this with the H.S. Though I don't really know how much willingness I was giving or if I was just going through mechanical motions while still secretly wishing for vengeance. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I was in a very bad mood and was just filled with anger. I was very snappy towards my wife and wanted her to just leave me alone.
I kept trying to forgive, yet I still kept my secret wish and back and forth I seemed to ping pong. By the time I went to bed, I thought that my lesson felt like a wash on a certain level.
I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better. So I decided that I would repeat this lesson for today. As the morning wore on, my initial optimism gave way to the same anger that I was experiencing yesterday. My wife came upstairs after waking up and I started to feel a strong animosity towards her. “Can't she just leave me be?” I thought. And as I was watching TV and watching advertisement after advertisement for X-Mas, the more and more irritated I was becoming.
I just kept thinking how insane it is. We just seem to be brainwashed to buy, buy, buy! More more more we keep saying and want want want. The more I kept seeing advertising for this product or that product the more and more animosity I kept feeling towards people in general. And then the gossip. Gossip gossip gossip. This person is guilty of this or guilty of that. See they aren't better than us. We get our retribution from our own hidden guilt through watching a celebrity fall. And my anger and hatred just kept growing and growing.
I saw this happening, that I was judging the world and condemning it. I tried to be aware of what I was feeling and look upon it with the HS. But I just kept feeling the anger become more and more intense.
And then my wife sent me out to do some errands. “Great!” I thought, “Just great!”
My animosity and anger were feeling full bored. “ I want the Peace of God” I quietly said to myself as the car was warming up. I sat for a while, trying to let go, yet my mind kept going back to the anger, causing me to question, “Do I really want the Peace of God?” For it certainty didn't seem so. It seemed that what I wanted was to look upon vengeance and use it.
I went to the post office and stewed in my anger. “I don't want this” I thought, “But I must” I answered myself, for this is what my mind fixated on. Thankfully I got out of the post office in one piece. I then went to pull out of the parking lot and a car turned the corner and was coming toward me. All it needed to do was wait just a second so I could turn and straighten out, but it didn't. There we were both stuck with me yelling at them, “Couldn't you wait just a F'ing second?!!” Now my rage was boiling!
I then went to our supermarket to the customer service center, that was closed. “Great!” I thought. I left even more angry. As I was walking out, I noticed all the people seemingly oblivious to what was causing my rage. “Don't these people even realize that they are sheople, caught up in all this brainwashing?” I thought. “They have no idea!!”
Off to the next store to try and see if their customer service was open. I pulled into the parking lot and started walking towards the store. A guy from the Salvation Army was in the front ringing the bell. As I walked by, he said to me with an exaggeration, “Merry Christmas Sir!” as if he were trying to make me feel guilty for not giving any change. My anger was about to explode. I wanted to scream at him, “ Go F yourself!! I'm always putting change in these God damned things. I'm always donating to charities!! How the F do you know that I didn't just come from somewhere else and gave my change to another person?!! Asshole!”
I walked into the store and there was a line waiting in the customer service dept. yet no one was there to help. Got in line, feeling furious. I stopped a second and reminding myself, “I want the Peace of God.” I scoffed in anger. “Oh bullshit Eric, if you really wanted the Peace of God, you'd have the Peace of God!”
I stood there for a few more minutes. No one came to help us and no one else was saying anything. I yelled over to a cashier about 10 feet away that I noticed occasionally looking over to us, “Hey, is anyone working over here?” To which they snapped back, “I don't know” to which I snapped back, “Well why don't you get on the intercom and find out! Jesus Christ don't you see us all standing over here waiting?!” They gave me a look and then got on the phone. A lady came over complaining that she was on break. “Well then get someone else to cover for you!” I snapped completely out of patience and just wanting to yell at the top of my lungs, “F Everyone!!”
I walked out of the store fuming and as I was walking towards my car another car was attempting to pull out of her parking space and the lady obviously was struggling. Now there were cars waiting and her eradic driving of forward, reverse, forward, reverse kept me from trying to walk behind her car and so I was stuck watching this escapade and just wanting to yell at her! My rage was becoming overwhelming! And then the lady looks over at me, smiles, shakes her head and sticks out her tongue with a goofy face implying to me that she was quite aware of the situation.
My anger and rage; my animosity and seeming hatred all of a sudden left me like the air being suddenly let out of a balloon. I even laughed.
I went back to my car and sat there for a second. I was no longer angry or filled with rage. I was just there. Not feeling really anything. A bit disoriented and wondering why I had such a feeling of rage and anger not too long ago.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I am sitting here feeling the same feeling of not really feeling anything. I sat quietly again and said to myself that I want the Peace of God. The anger that I had felt before didn't come up this time, I just seemed to feel silence.
I am just amazed at the anger that I felt earlier, both yesterday and today. Just being filled with rage like that. I said that I wanted the Peace of God, but did/do I? It didn't seem so. It seemed that I really wanted vengeance against my dreams. It seemed that I really wanted retribution.
Well that is my thought for the day