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Let Love teach you what You are.

Today I am on my 2nd day of lesson 185: I want the Peace of God.
Yesterday, as I was doing my lesson the day seemed to start off on a good note. I was feeling calm and peaceful as I continued to remind myself that I wanted the peace of God. Thinking that I was actually meaning it as I occasionally meditated on this thought throughout the day.

Later on in the afternoon though, a very strong memory/thought came into my mind. I all of a sudden remembered someone that I haven't thought about in years. It is someone that when I was younger, I had a deep seated hate for.

As I thought about them. The same old hatred came up inside me and I thought, “I wonder if that person is still alive?” Secretly thinking also that I wouldn't have shed a tear if they were not.

I don't know what came over me, but I googled them and found that they had a myspace account. There he was smiling on his homepage with the same immature comments that I remember him saying when I was 13 and 14. I have to be honest and say that when I saw that he was still around, that a disappointment came over me. “Damnit, this waste of space is still here and they have four kids out of wedlock? Great, stupid breeding stupid and the cycle continues.” I know that a “good person” wouldn't have these kind of thoughts, but I am just being honest about this.

Well, that seemed to settle it. My want for the Peace of God seemed to go right out the window and in its place vengeance came. All of a sudden, that is what I seemed to have wanted.

I tried to look upon this with the H.S. Though I don't really know how much willingness I was giving or if I was just going through mechanical motions while still secretly wishing for vengeance. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I was in a very bad mood and was just filled with anger. I was very snappy towards my wife and wanted her to just leave me alone.

I kept trying to forgive, yet I still kept my secret wish and back and forth I seemed to ping pong. By the time I went to bed, I thought that my lesson felt like a wash on a certain level.


I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better. So I decided that I would repeat this lesson for today. As the morning wore on, my initial optimism gave way to the same anger that I was experiencing yesterday. My wife came upstairs after waking up and I started to feel a strong animosity towards her. “Can't she just leave me be?” I thought. And as I was watching TV and watching advertisement after advertisement for X-Mas, the more and more irritated I was becoming.

I just kept thinking how insane it is. We just seem to be brainwashed to buy, buy, buy! More more more we keep saying and want want want. The more I kept seeing advertising for this product or that product the more and more animosity I kept feeling towards people in general. And then the gossip. Gossip gossip gossip. This person is guilty of this or guilty of that. See they aren't better than us. We get our retribution from our own hidden guilt through watching a celebrity fall. And my anger and hatred just kept growing and growing.

I saw this happening, that I was judging the world and condemning it. I tried to be aware of what I was feeling and look upon it with the HS. But I just kept feeling the anger become more and more intense.

And then my wife sent me out to do some errands. “Great!” I thought, “Just great!”

My animosity and anger were feeling full bored. “ I want the Peace of God” I quietly said to myself as the car was warming up. I sat for a while, trying to let go, yet my mind kept going back to the anger, causing me to question, “Do I really want the Peace of God?” For it certainty didn't seem so. It seemed that what I wanted was to look upon vengeance and use it.

I went to the post office and stewed in my anger. “I don't want this” I thought, “But I must” I answered myself, for this is what my mind fixated on. Thankfully I got out of the post office in one piece. I then went to pull out of the parking lot and a car turned the corner and was coming toward me. All it needed to do was wait just a second so I could turn and straighten out, but it didn't. There we were both stuck with me yelling at them, “Couldn't you wait just a F'ing second?!!” Now my rage was boiling!

I then went to our supermarket to the customer service center, that was closed. “Great!” I thought. I left even more angry. As I was walking out, I noticed all the people seemingly oblivious to what was causing my rage. “Don't these people even realize that they are sheople, caught up in all this brainwashing?” I thought. “They have no idea!!”

Off to the next store to try and see if their customer service was open. I pulled into the parking lot and started walking towards the store. A guy from the Salvation Army was in the front ringing the bell. As I walked by, he said to me with an exaggeration, “Merry Christmas Sir!” as if he were trying to make me feel guilty for not giving any change. My anger was about to explode. I wanted to scream at him, “ Go F yourself!! I'm always putting change in these God damned things. I'm always donating to charities!! How the F do you know that I didn't just come from somewhere else and gave my change to another person?!! Asshole!”

I walked into the store and there was a line waiting in the customer service dept. yet no one was there to help. Got in line, feeling furious. I stopped a second and reminding myself, “I want the Peace of God.” I scoffed in anger. “Oh bullshit Eric, if you really wanted the Peace of God, you'd have the Peace of God!”

I stood there for a few more minutes. No one came to help us and no one else was saying anything. I yelled over to a cashier about 10 feet away that I noticed occasionally looking over to us, “Hey, is anyone working over here?” To which they snapped back, “I don't know” to which I snapped back, “Well why don't you get on the intercom and find out! Jesus Christ don't you see us all standing over here waiting?!” They gave me a look and then got on the phone. A lady came over complaining that she was on break. “Well then get someone else to cover for you!” I snapped completely out of patience and just wanting to yell at the top of my lungs, “F Everyone!!”

I walked out of the store fuming and as I was walking towards my car another car was attempting to pull out of her parking space and the lady obviously was struggling. Now there were cars waiting and her eradic driving of forward, reverse, forward, reverse kept me from trying to walk behind her car and so I was stuck watching this escapade and just wanting to yell at her! My rage was becoming overwhelming! And then the lady looks over at me, smiles, shakes her head and sticks out her tongue with a goofy face implying to me that she was quite aware of the situation.

My anger and rage; my animosity and seeming hatred all of a sudden left me like the air being suddenly let out of a balloon. I even laughed.

I went back to my car and sat there for a second. I was no longer angry or filled with rage. I was just there. Not feeling really anything. A bit disoriented and wondering why I had such a feeling of rage and anger not too long ago.

I don't know why I am even writing this. I am sitting here feeling the same feeling of not really feeling anything. I sat quietly again and said to myself that I want the Peace of God. The anger that I had felt before didn't come up this time, I just seemed to feel silence.

I am just amazed at the anger that I felt earlier, both yesterday and today. Just being filled with rage like that. I said that I wanted the Peace of God, but did/do I? It didn't seem so. It seemed that I really wanted vengeance against my dreams. It seemed that I really wanted retribution.

Well that is my thought for the day

Take care,

Eric

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Comment by Eric G. on December 21, 2009 at 12:18pm
LOL Nicole,

I hope if I'm teaching you anything it is what NOT to do LOL :-)

Yes, I suppose it is an excellent example of a miracle, as the course says, "The Holy Spirit would undo all of this Now."

I wonder, did the conflict in me raise to such a crescendo that the little me just imploded in on itself? That is sure what it felt like. Like the conflict rose to as high as it could go and then just like that, it left me. As if the H.S. said, "This all is not true." And the conflict was gone.

I was left feeling empty, for a lack of a better word. I wasn't in conflict, but I couldn't say that I felt a deep peace. I just was. I have been kind of feeling like that since then. Not really optimistic, but also not pessimistic. I am just kind of. Like I am in neutral LOL. Though there have been moments of overwhelming peace and happiness, vaccilating with feeling overwhelmed and fearful in other moments.

Oh and the potty mouth is the Sicilian in you two? LOL Too funny, it reminds me of both my stepdads who blamed their anger on their hot Italian blood. LOL I guess for me its the Irish in me :-)

Take care,

Eric
Comment by Melody Vantucci on December 20, 2009 at 11:47am
Nicole, I'm LOL as I completely relate to what you said about the "F-word, " AND being Sicilian, with a bit of Greek mixed in there!!

Eric, what an excellent example of a miracle, in that anger leaving you like that--wow! Change of mind/perception in the snap of a finger ;-)

Ruby, --yep, removing those blocks, being honest and resistance----that is what the practice of this Course is all about! I just heard Ken say that again, this morning on "The Authority Problem" set that I have!

Love and Gratitude,
melody
Comment by PeacefulWisdom on December 20, 2009 at 9:32am
I don't post much on here, but I'm always reading =)
I LOVE your honesty Eric!!! Sheesh, I say the "F-word" every other word. I blame it on being Sicilian and say it's just in my blood...bahahahahaha! =D When you talked about the woman sticking her tongue out it reminded me how we are still little children...Gods children. Sometimes we take everything so seriously. But she didn't and it seemed to make the situation better for her and you. Sometimes we need that gentle reminder (like someone sticking their tongue out at us), that we are all in this together and that maybe there is another way to look at everything...with a child's eyes and heart. When we do that the whole world seems to get brighter =) I enjoy your posts very much. They always teach me something...thank you xoxo
Peace ^_^V
~Nicole x
Comment by Eric G. on December 20, 2009 at 9:16am
Hi Ruby and Melody,

HHhmmmmm so the workbook's purpose is to show us how much resistance we have? Well damn, I don't think there could have been anymore resistance from me than the last two days! or day and a 1/2. I cannot believe the rage that I was feeling! The anger! The animosity! It reminded me of the rage episodes I read about Helen having in her earlier years.

There is something I remember about yesterday that I forgot to mention. When I was at the the first store and I was leaving. I remember thinking that I was in a G.Damned nightmare. Not metaphorically, but literally. It was almost like waking up out of a dream and realizing that it was really a nightmare and I hated it and all that was in it.

So I guess that I did judge. I tried (probably 1/2 hearted) to look upon my thoughts with the H.S., but the anger I was feeling that seemed more all encompassing rather than about something specific kept sucking me back in.

And just as amazing was when that lady looked at me, embarrassed and smiled, stuck her tongue out with that goofy face and the hate, anger, animosity and rage left me so quick that it was startling is something that boggles my mind. I have gotten angry that fast before, but I have never had anger leave me that fast before. As fast as the snap of a finger.

The saying, being filled with anger or being filled with rage. It's true literally, because I actually felt it leave me and felt empty afterwards.

I am feeling much better today. I think that I am going to stay with this lesson for one more day.

Take care,

Eric
Comment by Ruby on December 20, 2009 at 12:53am
Hugs Melody... Yeah I so relate to Eric's sharing on this. And so true, "the purpose of the workbook is to show us how much resistance we have!!" Actually, it's exactly what is suppose to happen.... we are looking at our blocks to the awareness of Love's presence...how else do we undo them without acknowledging them first. Thanks Eric and Melody. Much Love, Ruby
Comment by Melody Vantucci on December 19, 2009 at 11:06pm
ohmygod.....I can soooo relate to this!! Here's a tip from one of my most profound teachers ;-) okay, so I'm taking things a bit too seriously at times.... He told me the purpose of the workbook is to show us how much resistance we have!! ;-))) How 'bout that???!! Well, hell......with this amount of resistance.....as Ken says, look at it w/JHS without judgment or condemnation..I get an A+! Well, I'd rather have my ego wishes fulfilled..! But, guess what, Eric!! We're honest, and if we can look at that without judgment, we're doing great!! I'm looking, and wow......I really, really want things to work out in this world! I really, want this dream to be a good one... I really, think this world, if it would go my way would bring me more than the peace of God ever could...... Hmmmmmmmm, maybe, I'm wrong.... maybe there's a better way......maybe, I would rather be happy than right.........

This is the little willingness I need....

Thank you, dear Ruby, for the links...and the love....l

With Gratitude,
melody

So, I bring it all to J/HS to look at through Their eyes....and somehow.....a part of me knows..... that ...this too, shall pass..............
Comment by Ruby on December 19, 2009 at 7:02pm
LOL... I love you Eric! I found myself laughing out loud...several times.... LOL @ "“Don't these people even realize that they are sheople, caught up in all this brainwashing?” I go through what you described above all the time Eric. I feel so grounded when I do my workbook lesson... and then I go about my day... and what is it they call it?.. Murphy's Law...everything that can possibly go wrong...does go wrong. And what do you think is suppose to happen when you do a lesson like "I want the peace of God."... All that would interfere with the peace of God comes up for us to look at with Holy Spirit... and ouch!!! I went through the same thing yesterday... with "Judgement and Love are opposites. From one comes all the sorrow in the world and from the other comes the peace of God Himself." I thought wow... I get it... I get it... and wouldn't you know all my judgments came up throughout the day....LOL. And I was sorely disappointed in myself... and then this morning I was tempted to not do the lesson at all... but an insight came to me... Silly... Holy Spirit was showing you the contrast...how do you feel when you judge?...and look at the difference when you allow yourself to be brought above the storyline (the battleground) where I feel the connection and safety of God's Love and remember Christ as my Identity. The Holy Spirit uses contrast. Thanks so much for sharing this Eric. I love the woman who stuck her tongue out at you... LOL...And voila...that is the Answer... when we laugh at it all... we can see ourselves get caught up...and then step out of it...LOL. And recognize we're all going through it... And yet... there is Love... when we remember to Laugh. For that is the Holy Instant...when we step out of time...and we get it. We are not different. LOL... In fact.. we are One. Love you! Namaste, Ruby

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